Why People Cheat
Posted by docapc at 8:17 am
The most common reason people cheat is due to an inability to deal with conflict directly. We all, in long term relationships, have disappointments. When we fall in love we are uplifted by the enormous emotional high of feel good neurochemicals. Without realizing we tend to think this feeling will last forever. We often believe we have found the answer to all our past hurts, doubts and insecurities. As time goes the initial “fall in love” phase fades and we are faced with a real person before us. For individuals who still struggle with their sense of self they can experience a profound sense of disappointment.
Very capable people suffer from this dilemma, just because a person excels in the work world does not mean she or he does not suffer from a fragile sense of self. Many people hide their vulnerabilities through achievement. Always looking for the approval of others and not knowing how to address the real time conflicts that exist in on-going relationship for all of us.
Individuals who never learned to express disappointment will tend to act out their feelings in some indirect fashion. Some work too much, others drink too much, some become passive-aggressive and yes others find themselves attracted to the next person who offers them an opportunity to re-gain the high of early love. This quest becomes a desperate attempt to get a special feeling; ultimately the specialness fades as it not based on truly being known. True love of depth is based on loving another’s character, imperfections and all.
In early relationships sex can be binding and blinding. We lose our perspective for a time until the anti-depressant effect of the sexual attachment wears off. Then the individual has to start all over again, thus the motivation for multiple affairs. It becomes a desperate attempt to feel good, in essence to compensate for the many years of not feeling good enough. And remember the most accomplished people fall into this trap. Bill Clinton and Monica were an excellent example. Achievement can consistently mask vulnerability; the initial high of an affair puts salve on a person’s self doubt and in the process becomes addictive.
What are the mechanisms to protect yourself from these kinds of temptations? Acknowledge your self- doubt, commit to working on changing the negative story of the past. Share your concerns with your loved one, be honest with her or him and begin working on changing your internal view of yourself through the help of those close to you. If you don’t make much headway over time consult a mental health professional, group programs are particularly effective in helping to re-write the fictitious novel you wrote earlier in life. In the final analysis you have to learn to express in assertive, tactful ways when you’re troubled. As you engage others in authentic ways you have the opportunity to learn about yourself and those you love. The other option is to remain closed in your old view of yourself which will promote the likelihood of seeking high’s through superficial sexual relating.
