Category : Marriage

Stress Survey

Posted by docapc at 1:49 am

Stress Survey

1)   I tend to overwork and do most things myself

Yes—-No——-

2) I have difficulty falling or staying asleep

Yes——No——

3) My nutrition is generally poor to fair

Yes——No—-

1)   Have you experienced the death of a spouse in the last six months?

Yes———No——-

5) Have you experienced the death of a close friend in the last six months?

Yes——N0—-

6) Have you been divorced or seeking divorce in the last six months?

Yes———-No——-

7) Do you have a son or daughter who is experiencing serious emotional difficulties in the last year?

Yes———-No———

Has your health deteriorated significantly in the last year?

Yes———-No——-

9) Have you had difficulties in the sexual arena in the last year?

Yes——-No——-

10) Have you or your significant other lost your job in the last year?

Yes———-No——-

11) Do you or your significant other have trouble with a boss?

Yes——No—-

12) Do you often feel guilty for reasons you know are irrational?

Yes——-No———-

13) Do you frequently feel impatient when you have to wait at the supermarket, other stores?

Yes———-No———

14) Have you been fighting more often with your partner?

Yes———No——-

15) Do you feel like you are racing through each day, seldom able to slow down?

Yes———No

16) Do you have few supportive relationships?

Yes——-No——-

17) Do you tend to make more of the normal stressors in life than others you know?

Yes————-No——-

18) Do you wake each day feeling like you won’t be able to cope effectively?

Yes————-No——-

19) Do you have few calm moments during the day?

Yes———-No———

20) Do you often think you have little time for exercise, relaxation, letting go?

Yes———No———

Scores of 1-6 Low Stress

Scores of 7-12 Moderate Stress

Scores of 13-17 Significant Stress

Scores of 18+ Extreme Stress

Your Score is ———————

Taken from then book The Stress Solution: Using Empathy and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to Reduce Anxiety and Develop Resilience

The Empathy Quotient

Posted by docapc at 1:43 am

Empathy Quotient

Please answer yes or no to the following questions and compare your answers to the first time you took this questionnaire. Please be as honest as possible.

1)    I have been told that I lack empathy by more than one person

2)    I have been told that I am empathic by more than one person

3)    I feel good when I help another person

4)    I don’t feel much when I help another person

5)    I feel obligated to do the right thing

6)    I enjoy giving of my time to others

7)    I am uncomfortable when people talk about emotional issues

8)    I am not uncomfortable when people talk about emotional issues

9)    I don’t know what it means to express empathy

10)I understand what it means to express empathy

11)I often feel that I miss emotional cues

12)I pick up emotional cues easily

13)I have been told that I need to be right

14)I don’t place much value on the need to be right

15)I seldom talk beyond the surface with friends

16)My friends and I have deep conversations

17)I prefer to not be around young children

18)I love being around young children

19)I think I tend to take more than I give

20)I think I tend to give more than I take

21)I fine it easier to show animals affection rather than people

22)I can give affection to animals and people equally

23)I have often been called stubborn

24)I am often told that I am easy to get along with

25)I prefer to talk more than listen

26)I prefer to listen more than talk

27)In most of my conversations I talk more than I listen

28)In most of my conversations I listen more than I talk

29)I am uncomfortable getting close to people

30)I feel comfortable being close to people

Scoring

Give yourself one point for saying “yes” to any of the following questions-#2,3,6,8,10,12,14,16,18,20,22,24,26,28 and 30.

Take away one point for saying “yes” to any of the following questions-#1,5,7,9,11,13,15,17,19,21,23,25, and 29.

Total Number-

Very Empathic-13-15

Mildly Empathic-10-12

Taken from  the book The Stress Solution: Using Empathy and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to Reduce Anxiety and Develop Resilience

The Heart Of Forgiveness

Posted by docapc at 3:10 pm

When we think about forgiveness we often think of something we confer on others- I forgive you. In truth we cannot forgive others without understanding our difficulties in forgiving ourselves. Forgiving oneself for addictive behavior is immensely difficult; alcohol, heroin or your drug of choice pulled you away from the world of the living. When you enter into a full time relationship with drugs your human relationships fade in importance. Addictions do this to people, regardless of who you are or where you came from. Do not allow your world to become narrow, for your shame and grief for the pain you have caused can make you avoid the very people you need the most.  It is quite possible, if you are open to a process that involves acceptance of human frailty and imperfections, to forgive yourself. I have seen people return from the abyss of shame and guilt to a position of understanding and forgiveness thousands of time.

When we deepen our understanding of human nature our view of the world and ourselves widens. From this perspective we discover forgiveness for ourselves and others. Forgiveness is an unfolding process rather than an act that is completed and set aside. Forgiveness comes slowly, as we continue to learn from the tragedies and traumas of the past in a continual effort to transcend them and return to a positive view of ourselves. With time, determination and effort we move forward, understanding the past rather than endlessly repeating it.

                                Perception

Our perceptions are limited by our experiences and our interpretations of our experiences. Most people who cannot forgive themselves have developed a critical self-voice that holds them to unrealistic expectations. If you have been criticized, ignored or shown little compassion in your life you have likely learned to blame yourself excessively for mistakes and errors in judgment. In addition if those around you do not understand the complexities of addiction you have probably been subjected to miss-understandings that have fueled a critical self-voice.

On the other hand, people who have been fortunate enough to be supported by those who do understand the complications of addiction, whether it is family members, friends or addiction counselors have received the necessary empathy and understanding that encourages forgiveness, without the burden of guilt that exacerbates addictive transgressions.

 Criticizing vs. Understanding

Every time we demean another person for their imperfections we re-visit the times the same behavior was done to us. By repeating this behavior we unfairly punish others for the lack of understanding we received, and in this process we cement our inability to free ourselves and treat others kindly.

In order to forgive yourself you have to turn inwardly and begin to understand how you came to be so hard on yourself. Instead of blaming yourself for irrational behavior while under the influence or simply for human errors it is necessary to realize that no child is born with a critical self-voice. The environment you were exposed to created your demeaning voice, complicated by your using days. Now it is time to seek a more accurate view of yourself. Forgiveness arises through the hard work of empathy. Seeking to understand, opening our minds and our hearts to what was once hidden from view, we see a view of our self we could not see before, and in that widened perspective, we see others with the same empathy and open mindedness as we now see our self. You no longer torment yourself with thoughts of what you should have done or should have said but rather see the truth of who you are today and that is finally enough.

                         Transformation

The change from a critical self-voice to an understanding self-voice is a transformation of the highest proportions. Kindness toward others is much easier than kindness toward oneself. When your internal voice is reasonable and fair your heart opens up to the world, we move outward from self toward others. This new understanding allows us to feel closer to those we previously judged, a defense used in order to create protective distance. We no longer need to be harsh toward others to shield ourselves. We no longer need to punish ourselves for actions under the influence, we take responsibility but we do not adhere to relentless name calling for what we now understand and will likely not repeat. We are committed to learning from the tragedies and traumas of the past in an ongoing effort to transcend them. With this formula we are able to move forward, building on the past rather than endlessly repeating it.

Forgiveness is the ultimate act of connectedness. In forgiving yourself you forgive others and are far less critical internally and externally. The world then becomes a kinder, warmer place.  Forgiveness now signifies freedom-releasing resentment, bitterness and pride-allowing us to live with ease within, and to love others with uncritical affection.

Arthur P. Ciaramicoli, Ed.d,Ph.D.

Author of The Stress Solution: Using Empathy and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to Reduce Anxiety and Develop Resilience.

The Performance Addicted Professional: How a lack of Empathy can deteriorate Work, Love and Self-Care Effectiveness

Posted by docapc at 12:21 am

Read my latest article
“The Performance Addicted Professional: How a lack of Empathy can deteriorate Work, Love, and Self Care Effectiveness” at http://www.soundmindz.org/​expert-articles/

A Crisis of Goodness in America

Posted by docapc at 7:31 pm

No society could survive—let alone thrive—without maintaining a minimum level of goodness. Unfortunately, there is evidence of a crisis of goodness, at least in the heavily industrialized and digitized West. We live in an egotistic moment in history where we seem unable to effectively train our children in restraint; where narcissism and entitlement are rampant and concern for social approval is at a record low; and where stress and anonymity are pervasive and deeply problematic .Our current culture has been chasing the elusive pursuit of happiness to no avail. We are the most affluent culture in the world and yet according to The World Health Organization have the highest rating of mood disorders, anxiety disorders and overall stress. 43% of American adults suffer from the adverse effects of stress, with the cost of anxiety disorders to our society estimated at 42.3 Billion dollars. Our collective mood is worsening despite five decades of becoming “better off”.  According to the World Happiness Survey Bangladesh is the happiest nation in the world with the United States sadly ranked 46th. The findings of University of Michigan political scientist Ronald Inglehart, director of the World Values Survey, indicate that overall happiness is related to benevolence and expressions of gratitude, while also being factors that possibly extend life. Other sources tell us that we have one third fewer close friends than 20 years ago and Americans trust in their fellow citizens has dropped 15% in the past 15 years.

These indicators of course do not amount to an entire picture of today’s state of goodness in the U.S., but they are proof of a malaise. Quite simply, we suffer from a deficit of goodness. In our egocentric and narcissistic society feelings of entitlement thrive and the disregard for other people’s claim to comfort and contentment is endemic. A recent study at the University of Michigan Institute for Social Research found that college students today are 40% less empathic than they were in 1979, the largest decline coming in the last decade. It is all too commonplace for stress, anonymity or both to contribute to verbal and physical violence at home, on the roads, and at work. The quality of life in the schools has reached a point that news of rampant bullying finds us inured. It takes a bullied youngster taking his or her life to make us pay attention and express some dismay and consternation. Not only can on line verbal exchanges be dismally mean-spirited, the web’s low interaction standards are spilling over into the off line world. But there is hope: within this bleak landscape we perceive encouraging signs of a counter-tendency. A movement of rediscovery of goodness has begun in the United States. Today’s crisis of goodness is what prompted me to start the goodness renaissance project. http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Goodness-Renaissance-Project/104778329611615

Arthur P. Ciaramicoli, Ed.D.,Ph.D.

What’s Good about Goodness?

Posted by docapc at 4:36 pm

The irony is that individuals who may think they are
interested only in their own happiness still need to contribute to a healthy
goodness society. When we engage others in an attitude of goodness, we
produce what we are biologically and spiritually programmed to do. Fascinating
research by psychologist Philippe Ruston of the University of Western Ontario
on the genetic basis for altruism has revealed that humans possess a “goodness
gene”. Dr. Ruston based his opinion on decades of analyzing data he collected
through the University Of London Institute Of Psychiatric Adult Twin Register,
the source for many studies about twins and genetics. Another poignant finding
from the Great Good Science Center, University of California, Berkeley is in
regard to the production of the hormone oxytocin, the hormone of compassion
elicited when we bond through the relational qualities that goodness embodies.
Oxytocin is a near magical neurotransmitter responsible for the following:

• Reduces anxiety and release of stress hormone
  (cortisol)
• Helps you live longer
• Aids in faster recovery from illness, improves wound
  healing
• Promotes a sense of calm and well-being, increases
  generosity and empathy
• Protects against heart disease, modulates
  inflammation
• Reduces cravings for addictive substances
• Creates bonding and an increase in trust of others
• Decreases fear and creates a feeling of security

Producing more oxytocin is just one of many benefits
conferred on those who practice goodness. Knowing how to express goodness makes
us more energetic and more resilient. We have more skills to manage daily
living. We are not limited in our pursuits of knowledge, and we are not
limited in the array of people we can befriend. Real wisdom consists not in
pursuing happiness directly, but rather in building a good life upon a
foundation of goodness. Happiness comes as a byproduct of that
process. If there is a shortcut to happiness, goodness is it.

                                                 Arthur P. Ciaramicoli, Ed.D.,Ph.D.

                                                           http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Goodness-Renaissance-Project/104778329611615

Celebrity Divorce Creates Anxiety in Shaky Marriages

Posted by docapc at 3:30 pm

The heralded splits of Tiger and Elin, John and Kate have made many marriages wrought with conflict seem in doubt of surviving. Try to remember that celebrity marriages are no different than yours, we all tend to fall in love (the easy phase) with an idealized view of our partner. It is exciting, changes our neurochemistry, and lifts our spirits tremendously in the early going.

The early phase, which I call Image Love, is partly based on our longings at the time. Most often these longings represent insecurities in ourselves we unconsciously hope to resolve through our new found love. Of course, as time progresses disappointment can set in as we discover the real person in front of us. He or she can’t possibly make up for our past hurts and doubts. Some couples don’t realize this is happening and they think they have fallen out of love. Not realizing this phase is the juncture of where true, mature love begins.

If we have the courage to take responsibility for our own shortcomings we can begin the process of healing and changing. If we blame our partner we find ourselves disillusioned and extremely discouraged. Our eyes start to drift to the next new love that can solve our life long problems.

My wife and I are in our 30^th year of marriage. We have had our ups and downs and have had major disagreements over time. As the initial “falling in love” phase slipped away and the real relationship began we struggled to a degree as all couples do. The early physical attraction and ability to connect verbally was our beginning foundation but not enough to make for a sound, resilient love.

What happened over time that made the relationship as powerful as it is today? Falling in love progressed over time to loving each other’s character; the person deep within was discovered and revealed. I can remember seeing my wife care for my dying mother, caring for our very ill oldest daughter, delivering her mother’s eulogy with grace and wisdom, loving my dad as he became depressed after my mother’s death. I have watched her sing to her father in a nursing home, as he lies motionless and unresponsive. I marvel as I view her excitement for our adult daughter’s careers, her unselfish love for them along with the inordinate interest she takes in all aspects of their lives. Her support and belief in me has always been a constant. Even the care and love she has shown to our puppies is unselfish and devoted.

When my mother died my dad said her funeral was like the “league of nations”. People of all religions, races and ethnic backgrounds attended. My wife is the same way, she makes friends from all walks of life and she loves diversity. She abhors prejudice and bias and is deeply affected by human beings mistreating others. She can sense arrogance and opportunism miles away.

At this moment she is planning for Christmas day, my favorite day of the year because she makes it a wondrous experience. I share all of these experiences to say that my love for her is greater than ever, not because we agree on every major point, we do not. Not because she is idealizing and adoring of me, she is not. Not because she needs me, she does not. But my love has grown to its depth because of who she is, her essential character.

If you’re going to work through difficulties in your relationship you must develop love for each other’s character, the essential person deep within. It is always revealed at the most difficult times, not the days at the beach.

Don’t be threatened by hearing of the stars marital demise, even though the pundits spin stories daily we have few actual facts about their lives. Don’t be threatened if there are days when you question whether you made the wrong decision. It is normal to have doubts. It is also critical to express your dissatisfaction, to address conflict directly, with tact and empathy for your partner. When we love with all our hearts we get hurt, it is often not intentional. Try not to personalize every hurtful encounter, try to understand the perspective of your partner. And most importantly work hard to identify the areas of difficulty you brought into the marriage. He or she is not responsible for your past, but if you take responsibility for your own shortcomings your spouse is more likely to help you work through your sensitivities.

Always remember marriage is more work in the beginning and more joy as years go by. As understanding of yourself and your spouse is increased your relationship can become a great friendship and one that many will admire. A wonderful benefit for your efforts is that your children will have a model for love and conflict resolution that will guide them in their relationships throughout their lives.

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